It's hard to explain what I feel rite now...partly due to because of abah's demise, and partly because I'm practically starving now. You see, I'm at the office now, haven't had the appetite to eat, and my partner in crime went out to have lunch with her friend today. It's good to not have the appetite, since I have gained weight recently(agaknye la, my thighs ni dah macam berlaga dah bila berjalan). Women and complaints and whinings! Tak sudah2! =P
Recently, lepas satu, satu bende timbul. One of them, my engagement. Well, what about it?I called it quits. No more. Nope. For real. Officially. A hasty decision?Nope.Because of third party?Nope.Tidak.Nehi. Takde sesapa yang trigger aku untuk buat decision ni.
It started when i dreamt about my engagement ring patah into two...
Tapi at that time aku tak gaduh ke ape dengan dia. In fact, time tu kitorang macam biase pegi beli barang hantaran semua. Bile aku dah mimpi macam tu, I started to question myself, ape makna mimpi ni semua?Is is just a dream, or is it a sign?So, to satisfy my curiosity, aku mintak tolong Allah. How? Buat solat sunat istikharah. A friend of mine, she said that the petunjuk/s tak datang in a form of mimpi saja, tapi maybe datang dalam bentuk gerak hati, or perhaps dalam bentuk respons dari orang sekeliling. I didn't dream anything on the nite I did the prayer, tapi on the nite after the prayer.(Bole terima ke?).. In that dream, I bring a man to meet my mom, and my mom alone je..(at that time, I didn't know where abah is, and come to think of it, perhaps is it also a sign that abah takde?Wallahu a'lam).
And I also told my mom about the dream - the ring, and she told me at first that it may be a bad sign, but after a while, she told me to just forget about it (tapi gaya macam tak convincing je cara mak cakap tu, as if she was just trying to calm me down. I noticed her face macam worried gak at that time, but I just kept quiet.)
Then, somehow after I did the prayers, I got the courage to tell him to call it quits...
And bermulalah a chapter or a series of hari-hari di mana mata aku bengkak, 'hujan non-stop' and suprisingly, abah together with my siblings sokong my decision. And yang buat aku sedih is, abah told me that he loved me very much, and couldn't bear seeing me sad. How, oh how, we always take parents for granted kan. Bile dah diorang dah takde, baru rase sangat kehilangan diorang. *sigh* And now, aku dah officially not engaged to sesiapa pun.
Ada rasa menyesal ke?.....
Nope. More to kesian, and I wish that aku tak perlu nak sakitkan hati Hisham, or his family..For his family treated me like I'm one of them. I wish that Hisham tak perlu nak endure all of these, tapi tu la, who are we to foresee semua benda-benda ni kan? Just leave it to Allah, and tawakkal. And mintak-mintak aku tak perlu nak sakitkan hati sesiapa lagi. Amin. (Rasa guilty sebenarnya, sebab terpaksa susahkan my brothers - Along and Angah, thank you so much! Malu sebenarnya. Because of me, diorang have to go to his house and settle this matter. And I'm sorry too.)
Okay, putus tunang punye matter aside....
Sekarang ni, yang nak kene get over ni, rase sedih and incomplete,lepas abah dah takde. At times, rase sedih ni bole tolak tepi. Tapi bile datang masa yang I miss him sangat sangat sangat sangattttttttt,I can't help but cry. Tapi nangis sorang-sorang je dalam bilik, tak nak mak nampak, sebab if mak nampak...I know she will be sad too. Last few days, I cried gile babas inside my room, after I sedekahkan Surah Yassin to abah. The next day, pegi keje dengan mata bengkak. Yerp. I don't care if people stare at my eyes ke ape. They say, this thing usually takes time.....Takpe la..tunggu je la.
